We pass by no meek means into life without,
And what was wished and fought avidly
Passes into the past and the perhaps of life,
We shed no more tears as to why or how,
And cast no more wishes into the well...

We pick up the good things that have been built,
And turn the keys we have been given,
In the locks of what is still true and solid,
Casting our nets into a different sea,
And new beginnings and new waves...

We call again to those that love and are loved,
Building our dreams and our tomorrows,
On new plains, and on new grounds,
Travelling new paths with untold memories,
And the promise of home unfettered...

Those we must leave behind
Who have not chosen to cross our paths
Have not chosen to bless our thresh-holds,
Are lefts to their own lives and circumstance,
With sadness and blessing for their way...

Current Mood: calm

Time passes and the proud have no heed of it...
Hearts harden and justification sets like solid concrete...
Age brings without restitution, a scored and scarred countenance...
A seared concience without forgiveness creates no ease...

Many siders, carry an angry form, and a vengeful spirit for the thrill...
Supporting its malaevolence for sport and entertainment...
But after years, fickle human nature looks elsewhere...
Seeking new and more inspiring thrills at no cost to themselves...

That soul then so used and now scorned is left to decay and wither...
Leaving no rich harvest of love and sustenance for those left behind...

I am still flabberghasted to remember what happened and how completely things changed...
The anger over it all still can rise up and bite, but the pain is much more subdued than it was...

I went grey from the shock and pain... I must have been more affected than what I'd even realized...
One person praying for me without being told anything about anything,
told me he could see that someone had hurt me very badly...

She's so extremely cold... Bitterly... I can't think how anyone could survive like that...
No apparent feeling, no understanding of other people, a closed world...

I guess I should have realized it when she made such cold and callous statements
about and to her mother and brother, and to us just in passing...
But I gave her the benefit of the doubt in all those times, thinking that it may of just been an off day...
Maybe I did that far too often, not even taking time to realize that the same courtesy's would never exist in return...

Just like the death of a loved one, time can't heal the loss, it can only distance you from the pain...

Although I forgive quite easily, I'm finding that my trust of her is at an alltime loss...
To carry something that you have devised against another, so very avidly, and apparently with no conscience at all...
Says so much about your character...

If I had only known the outcome of our lives, I would not have given her to another for her to end up with such a shortfall...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Laughing sadly at the pretense and assumation,
They found that the entire volume had become
Ridiculous and vicious, cheap laughs & foolery,
Entirely amusical & of no real consequence...
with no necessary need of touching their lives at all...

It was still astounding to Tom, the venom and spite that had poured forth...
I guess you suppose from what you have experienced, that people
even though not of your environment or surrounds, but of your blood and lineage
Will work things out the way you do, will have the same heart as you...

But... sadly, to not even soften with time, or with what the heart belongs to...
And to exclude from your reality any existence of their virtue or honour
Probably shows a persons character more than talking ever could...
Or than reason could ever prove... or weeping could ever fix...

Though the heart weeps no more... what is missing cannot be replaced...
The knowing of kindred hearts... and the comfort of trusting and trusted souls...
The sacred bond of family... and it's completeness of belonging as whole...

So much had happened and passed in their lives.
and in reality and fact , there had in truth been so much life, and very much victory...

But the said supposed evidence to all (said chosen uninterested) 
and sundry, and to all those who must invariably comment
was of absolute defeat, and lives wasted on false hope...

Had they only seen the points of absolute end and the hand of God grasped firmly around...
Had they but seen death staring them in the face and the being able to wake the next morning
with a new and fresh dawn for all...

Would they indeed repair it all to chance... ? Cast it aside as mere whim and fancy... ?
Deliberately choose to NOT see the fact... ? and the growing of wisdom and sage years... ?

That this story should be told it was true, and it's value certainly weighed in the balance,
where it would be shown beyond doubt, beyond the fear and fancy of mans want,
to be abiding and honest and certain, and most sincerely fact...

I walked among the dead and dying...
Watching them in great interest
That though they knew within their souls
the length and breadth and bulk
of their existence and boundary
They chose the thinnest of planes
and the scarcest of real life
and the widest of most obvious paths
to be the clever biography of their lives...

There was often contemplated what was so obviously 
a stand for significance from the other party, 
and wondered how much effort it must take 
to hold that ground when you are adamant 
that you are right and everyone else has to be wrong.

The over-exuberance of life forcefully expressed in the diaries, 
always felt more like a point being made than actual real life, 
and certainly caused the reader to feel that the writer's life 
was lived on a surreal and rather unnatural plane...

She wondered whether there would actually ever 
be a time when the writer would be able to admit 
and seek to rectify what had been so deliberately destroyed, 
and whether they really ever went through a single day 
without a thought of it...

The strangest thing came across her path...
the identity that so not wanted to be identified
was on parade with all flags flying... !

The covering of utmost integrity and manhood
flagrantly displayed as a trophy grande
and no suggestion of private life to be seen... !

How the proud shone so ridiculous and unreal
and the the picture of abandon made us laugh
with entirely amusical no consequence...

No comment can be made, for wisdom
covers a silly child in adult arrainment
that it's whims and fancies can hold no derision...

So greedily had the child sowed to the wind,
And unknowingly had reaped the whirlwind,
and the storm that now lay quietly hidden in her life,
would much more than likely wreak absoute fury,
at the point of her least expectation...

She had sowed confusion and distance,
and was so easily lead into what was not of fact,
using spite as her weapon against all odds,
and no fathomble reason, or right, could be seen,
and there was in all, no pervading sense of any others' righteousness...

The weight of her own personal justice,
was unreasonably magnified, an way out of proportion,
propelled by the force of her own anger, and scorn,
and far beyond the boundaries of what was rightfully hers...
The great rabble of voices she had caused,
had died very suddenly and inexplicably... there was such great silence...

She had taken that to mean that she had won...
But they, had in fact closed ranks against her,
Shutting all the doors and boundaries tight,
pushing aside all that was not honestly theirs to have,
and casting away all that was not theirs to own...

She truly felt because of the silence,
that she was infinitely secure in her victory,
that she could indeed gloat, at her war won,
but in truth, the war was never fought,
the hollow story had no fact, nor foundation,
and time would certainly reveal it's worth...

 It was such a strange and the very saddest of things...
Confounding, confusing, disconcerting...

After only perhaps in all four visits in ten years 
and perhaps and maybe at most a dozen phone calls in all...

Firstly, upon meeting the then prospective,
Realising very quickly that they weren't even nearly 'good enough' ...

Then with the appearance of the new ones, after the first had ended,
the attitudes and responses steadily grew much colder...

Then it seemed that everything that was written 
in the journal was read 'by' them as if speaking 'about' them...

Then they realised of the 'help' to understand 
and that the writing was 'obviously' written about the said...

Then there was the 'barely' hidden anger that surfaced 
toward them, and no one could find a valid reason for...

Then there were many back-handed, spiteful comments 
that were were dropped into unrelated subjects...

Then of course there were  many wrong summations and judgments 
foisted upon unknowing and unrealizing and very puzzled people...

Upon realization that something was 'obviously' wrong,
and then questioning such, there was all out war...

Afterwhich, no amount of explanation or reason made 
any difference to the outcome. Peace was so not wanted...

Next happens that absolutely everything said about all,
was deliberately taken negatively and used to detriment.

The decision was then made by all in the fold, to walk away from 
what was obviously and ultimately a ridiculous situation...

BUT, even then, upon having no contact whatsoever, 
spiteful commenting continued appearing in journals.

Such a pitiably sad scenario and so very wrong...
but now all 'outside' of lives that were once lovingly given...
.

Summer called with the irrepressible song of all that was welcome and new.... 
The cold winter had the unfortunate circumstance of making everything 
curl up and hide away for protection and self preservation...

The idea had been disscussed a few times over the preceeding months, 
and each time the conversation had either, gone very quiet, 
or passed on to other subjects which required much less consideration. 

The magnitude of the whole operation was rather daunting, 
and created possibly more problems than they felt at the moment readily able to deal with... 

But the promise of change did have the effect of lifting 
the general malase that had settled, and gave a sense of hope to the view ahead...

The whole thing was afterall a matter of management, that all could be planned 
and easily executed with reasonable expertise, IF everyone remained calm...

There seemed to be people that were really exited about him 
and his first ever girlfriend finally getting married after all those years. 
'Finally marrying the one he had longed for over thirty years' was the quote. 

But in all honesty, you would have to treat any such news with caution. 
We remembered people years ago, saying that any relationship with him 
would mean that you were always the last to be considered... 
But one or two had dared to believe that real love would win through and all would be right.

Remember what they said right at the beginning ? 
'He himself was first, second, and third place of importance in his life ! 
With two failed marriages behind him, and one known major relationship, 
it would seem incautious to consider that this one will last at all. 
The general concensus was always that if you haven't fixed 
the original problem at any time, or even acknowledged it, 
any other probable relationship should by all rights follow the same path. 

It seemed to all, also very foolish for the teller to be exited about the whole thing, 
when it negated the importance of their own existence. But then, 
perhaps he may just and actually get it right this time, one may well hope so, 
and also pray hard that this lady won't be left broken as all the others had been...

She knew that any response made at all would not be met on dispassionate grounds. 
That there was no present existing place that this 'child/woman' could, or would, 
view her without resentment, or any ability to voice a balanced comment in return.

Her astonishment grew each time someone told her of a 'gloating hurrah' 
that would appear in her 'supposed' foes very public diaries. 
It did seem ridiculous that she was considered to be a foe, 
but the whole episode had been extreme and ridiculous afterall... 
With no responses from her to the jibes and snidery, 
it certainly seemed a pointless and tactless excersize on the child/womans part, 
and made the writers' own character portrayed, as so much more churlish and less than it may have been. 

Any hope of a convivial future had died long before, as she could see 
the massive barrier of pride, worn as a heros' cloak, flashed constantly as a stated right, 
against the truth or any reason, and certainly a mistaken crown of a 'winner', 
seemed in all to be balanced precariously of the side of her head.

'Such pointless waste'... the words often floated across her mind, like some very slow flowing flag. 
How one person could so mis-represent and mis-interpret so much was a certainly a completely mystifying scenario. 
Seemingly, there was no possible way to breach the gap, and it seemed that the best thing to do, 
was to get on with life, allowing herself to enjoy what she did actually have with honesty and freedom.

It seemed now, that the child/woman would never know the loss 
that her own hand had brought about, or the lack of completeness 
placed upon her own life, but would have a shadow, that though diligently ignored, 
would possibly cast other great shadows over her very soul and future relationships.

The truth was not in what had been done to the child,

It was in what she believed her life was to be perceived as…

And as the light was shone on what were glaring inconsistencies,

She reacted with a vengeance that was far beyond the reason required,

And far outside the semblance of normal the boundaries of fact…

The days dawned with much more warmth and fresheness these days. 
The burden of not being heard, not being allowed a true voice, 
had gone past the place of affect and detriment. 
The hardened heart of the originator, 
it was decided by the company, would be left to itself. 
There was no despute among them from this side, 
that the consequences would not be theirs to bear, 
and the eventual repercussions were nothing 
that anyone amongst them could do anything about.

She looked down at the urn on the table, 
with a mixture of utmost regret, 
and the sad feeling of all that was to remain unfulfilled...

It was certainly beautiful to look at...The dark blue crystal 
reflecting the empty depths of the preceding months, 
and the mother of pearl maiden hair leaves, 
that were inlaid gently around its middle, 
gave an eerie impression of life’s ultimate fragility. 
It was a rare and beautiful vessel to see....

She put her fingertips to her lips, 
before brushing them gently across the body of the crystal. 
Then pulling her coat from the back of the nearest chair, 
she pulled it on slowly, considering the task that lay ahead...

* * * * * *
There on the headland above the forever of ocean,
The ash poured lightly out and caught up in the circling of the wind. 
It rose as if winged and having a life of its own, 
then dissipated and became as nothing before her eyes, 
strangely symbolizing the whole previous and short span of years.

She stood there in silence for long minutes, 
letting the frailty and finality of it all sink in, 
and turned slowly to watch the endless sky overhead, 
taking in its vastness and calmness, 
as a certain element in the measure of eternity...

In a strange way it was a relief that it was all over. 
The constant measuring of words and feelings, 
gauging of emotions, weighing of circumstances… such a relief… 
she only barely registered the thought 
that the death of one, was to be the setting free of another.

There had been a long letter ready to send for so long, 
but on long contemplation, it would in the end, 
have been to no avail, serving only to produce more derision and spite, 
and having no perceivable good to a better outcome.

She had realized long ago that there was no other
percievable fact that could mend the gap. 
All previous efforts had fallen on deliberately deaf ears, 
and on a heart that purely and simply did not want to know. 
No heartfelt cry of any truth would reach a soul 
buried in such ultimate self satisfaction and vanity.

There was still within, the desire to return and find the beginning, 
to set it all right, to glue the pieces back, but she knew beyond doubt, 
and even beyond hope, that this passage of time in her life, 
had at last ended....